Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for

your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and

telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy

of service which I had not previously considered possible,

as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please

allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either

pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these

difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some

entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking

B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for

your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57

minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even

more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website....

HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and

highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools

- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem

had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4

weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun

to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours

between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the

weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9

calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been

unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who

are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back);t hat no telephone line is available (and

someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who

knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then

been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been

redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is

closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected

to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other

variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a

thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also

another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to

voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold

music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of

god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could

be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering

service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and

because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I

therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction

and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You

are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -

incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons

of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly

limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my

futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from

you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort

payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly

and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be

greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -quickly be replaced by

derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats

litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have

not become desiccated during transit - they were

satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable

disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma

and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings

towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John