Mugging Muggers

Mark says:

"I, like I'm sure most people, hope that the muggers are caught by someone outside the police force at some point in the near future and have their fingers broken and teeth extracted without anaesthetic. Ooh, and a couple of beer bottles shoved up their respective recta. Wide end first. And the word 'mugger' etched into their foreheads with a couple of razor blades separated by a match to make stitching up troublesome at best. And one foot burnt to a crispy nubbin with a blowtorch. Yes, that's right; I have left-wing politics right up until we reach dealing with antisocial and serious crime. Then I'm a "public flogging", "hand-chopping", "let's bring back Victorian-style forty-to-a-cell, no TV, one shared and purposely blocked toilet prison vengeance" sort of guy.

I've never been mugged and I'd like to think that's because I'm quite a scary prospect for any mugger to take on. I'd like to think that but I think hardly ever leaving my house and looking like someone your average opportunistic robber is more likely to take pity on than attack on the off-chance I'm an eccentric millionaire who likes to dress down and mingle with the plebs probably has some bearing on the matter too. In any event, if the thought of being mugged has now worried you then you can relax because there are some simple steps that you can take to fend off muggers. Some people will charge you for this information but I am happy to provide it for free. A £24.99 value bargain deal! Bargain!

Martial Arts

Martial artistry as a defence is an obvious way to protect yourself not only from muggers but also people with clipboards in shopping centres. "Excuse me, do you have time to answer a few questions on your gas and electric usage?" "Hiiiii-yaaaa! No. And that'll need stitches."

Of course there are many martial arts to consider, they cost money, and many people don't have the patience to sit through the first nine months of learning how to fall and slap the floor before they are shown anything useful like the Golden Dragon Poke-Em-In-The-Eye Attack or the Chuckling Mole Spin-Of-Confusion or the Coughing Tax Inspector Chinese-Burn. Mind ye not, though, because there are some very basic and very effective manoeuvres that anyone can do with no training and only a 96% chance of injuring yourself and making the situation far worse..." continue

Mark is a very funny guy (in all senses of the word) whose weird and wondeful site I discovered when googling for a cure to Mouth Ulcers. Go figure... and go and see what other nuttiness he manages to come up with!