Neighbour from Hell
This is an edited email conversation between DrF and Snupe Douggie Doug (SDD). Note how anxious the Good Dr gets when the Evil SDD starts to wind him up! Note also the attempt to busk displayed by the Dr as he informs Snupe as to how a tree should really be felled (when he hasn't a clue himself).
"Edited" means you read it from the top down, not the bottom up, like one would normally read a mail history, savvy?
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
the BLACK
THE BLACK
they wait for me in the forest
the creeping things
they knock at my window
with tiny poles
YOU, who feed me pins, PINS PiNNNNNNNNNSSSSS
From:SDD
you've forgotten your medication again haven't you . . .
Bit like me at the weekend - I bought a burner to burn stuff in the garden and ended up chopping up everything wooden I could lay my hands on and burning it. I got carried away and did the fence too :-/ screaming "I am the god of Hellfire and I bring you . . . FIRE!!!!!!" and dancing round the burner singing "Gotan, Gotan". . .
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
This wouldn't be the fence between you and the neighbour in front of who's door you parked your rusting, oil pissing hulk of a Vulvo and attempted to repair
I'm sure he is much looking forward to your immanent departure with relish?
The Moon is crying in a secret room.
What's for tea, mother?
From:SDD
No - what was the big deal anyway? others might have called a rusty gold 4 series volvo on axle stands outside your front door pissing oil a work of art... I was going to tell him how lucky he was but never quite saw the opportunity in between all the expletives coming my way . . . it was only there for 2 days anyway and I even suggested that patio cleaner stuff to him to get rid of the oil staining but not so much as a thanks... maybe cleaning parts in his birdbath was taking the piss a little.
BTW - A few pointers if you are going to have a small garden fire.
1. Tell your neighbours you're having a fire so they don't complain their washing smells like a BBQ
2. Pick a safe spot to have the fire. With hindsight, I've found in between the shed and the wooden fence and under a lilandia tree (think that's what is called - well doesn't really matter as it looks like a big black toothpick now) wasn't the best place for it. . .
3. Remember hot ash and burning bits of wood fall out of the burner - so standing it on last weeks dried grass cuttings is not a good idea - especially if you are stood on them also.
4. If you do need to have the fire near your shed - be sure to check that your shed does not have a 240volt live mains cable running up to it where you start your fire... :-o
5. Green stuff = lots of smoke :)
6. Poking the bin fire with a big stick will result in the systematic loss of all the hair on your arms and quite possibly your eyebrows.
7. Snails make a funny high pitch whine and then a popping noise if you don't notice they are stuck to the bits of wood you are feeding into the burner
8. Tipping paraffin on a fire that looks like it is going out has quite dramatic effects (have you ever seen backdraft?)
9. When changing your underwear after tipping paraffin on the fire - get someone to watch it for you while you are indoors. Otherwise there is a strong possibility you will return to find the fire has set light to the grass cuttings which has led to that nice flowery bush thing you wanted to keep setting light also.
10. B&Q 99p watering cans melt and should not be relied on for extinguishing large fires.
11. 999 is for the Fire Brigade.
12. The Fire Brigade have a dim view of garden fires.
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
Thou art The Neighbour From Hell!
Any minute now, there will be an angry mob with pitchforks and suchlike outside your gaff, screaming "Kill Him" at the top of their smoke-blackened lungs
Your charred carcase will be discovered later by police. Neighbours will just shrug their shoulders and say "he was a bit weird" when they are questioned about your disappearance.
Your spirit will cruise the streets of burgess hill in a rusty Metro with an enormous cardboard spolier sellotaped to the roof, whistling at babes and trying (unsuccessfully) to outrun shopping trollies in the Tesco parking lot.
You are doomed.
From:SDD
Last time they rounded a posse I threw water over them and they dispursed. I can't do that now as I melted the watering can.
Tesco shopping trollies are suprisingly quick off the mark...
They will be pleased this weekend - I'm chopping down the big tree in my garden. It's about 30 feet high. I've borrowed an axe and cleared a 2 metre wide space for it to fall in the garden. I'm getting different advice though - some say chop from the side you want it to fall, some say chop from the other side. Highest number of votes wins - what do you reckon? The difference is the 2 metre patch I've cleared one way and someones greenhouse and bungalow the other. The good thing is, if it falls on the bungalow I'd have access through the back so could park my car...
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
chop from the opposite side you want it to fall, or it will fall on you while you are chopping, dummkopf
remember to write from hospital (or at least dictate to a nurse)
Doug, two words
TREE SURGEON
actually, three words
LEAVE THE TREE
if you are seriously going to attempt this yourself you will need
a chainsaw bandages a lawyer a getaway car, preferably with onboard life-support apparatus someone to drive, as you will be missing several relatively important limbs required for the changing of gear, rolling of spilfs and cd shuttle operation
(real answer, 'cos I know you are going to try and do it anyway) you need to climb up the tree and saw the top off, then cut off all the branches on the way down the length of the tree and saw sections off the top until it is the same as the space you have cleared, or is too thick to saw easily. THEN you can tie a rope to the top of the tree, chop half-way through the side you want it to fall and a quarter of the way on the other side, finally using the rope to pull the tree safely the way you want it to fall DON'T use a chainsaw, expensive and dangerous. A normal saw and an axe will do use the branches to make a new fence
Like I've ever done this before, but it's what tree surgeons do
From:SDD
That's a lot of hassle. Charlottes dad has lent me a chainsaw and an axe. I'm going to go with the chainsaw. If I start at the side I want it to fall and in one quick blast just whip through the tree really quickly it should fall that way. I'll just stand back when it falls. My cup of tea won't even get cold in the time it takes for that fecker to come down.
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
I thought you said it was 30ft high
are you exagratin' again?
you say you have cleared a 2m wide space
any idea of how LONG this space is?
From:SDD
I've cleared a 2m wide line the length of my garden. It should fall 3 inches short of the pagoda. What I'll do to be sure is set up the step ladders in next doors garden and stand on the top of those with one foot, the other on the wall pillar and lean across with the chainsaw - that way I can chop higher up.
-----Original Message----- From: DrF
you are definitely going to change the title of this mail to "no balls" if you try that
I know you're havin' me on now, even you couldn't be that stupid
you could probably do it with the chainsaw if you tied the rope to the top of the tree, gave it a bit of tension in the direction you want it to fall and cut from the opposite side tto the direction in which the rope is pulling
if you cut fro the side you wan it to fall with a chainsaw the tree will start to bear down on the chainsaw as you cut, eventually trapping the thing and possibly breaking the chain, leaving you the proud owner of two chainsaws, one stuck in a tree in your grden (still standing) the other in the possesion of you ex-girlfriend's father
Have you ever used a chainsaw?
Fukn horrible things
You will love it